Snow Ball

A brisk winter evening with snow on the ground. I enjoyed it as if I was ten. I grabbed a snow ball and for an instense I paused. I reflected on a time when all I could think of was the future. In that time I was ten thinking about would I grab snow with my child, would I play in the snow with my family, or would I still make angels as an adult. An akward moment considering that in this moment I was reflecting on the past as an adult wishing I still enjoyed every moment. As an adult have I experienced everything that could excite me? Have I exhausted all possibilities?

One snow ball brought me back to my reality. One snow ball made me realize that life moves at the speed of light. One moment your thinking of the future and the next minute your in that same future. The picture was just as I always concluded. I would be by myself. I've always been alone. Sometimes on purpose and sometimes not by choice. At this moment right now as I type.... I wish I was together with another. Side by side sitting writing this piece together. Well, me writing the piece and she proof reading. Teamwork! At this moment piece and quite with brown eyes connected with mine. Total mind sex.

I grabbed the snow ball and held it in my hand until the inside of my hand turned red. The snow started to melt, and the condensation ran down my hand. The cold didn't bother me. I wasn't going to be the typical adult. You know. Can't get wet when it rains, can't step in poddles, can't get snow on my shoes. I was in it. I was in the moment and I enjoyed every second of it. Moments like this I wish I could share. But like most moments in my life I shared this alone with me, myself, and I.

I wonder are there really two people in the world? Me and everyone else?

The snow ball represented where I wanted to be, well no I guess I was actually there. The only thing that was missing was that no one was there to witness this moment in time. TIme that represents me... Time that represents the coming together of two souls. A moment that only can be shared once.... There will be other times, but will I feel the same at that moment.

Searching

I never knew my life would turn out like this. I envisioned something that had much more clarity. Something that would be paved for the next 30 years.
Something that was real. It seems as if I'm constantly in this phase of transition and uncertainty. I wonder why? I composed many list. I sat in
solitude and I did some deep thinking. I went straight to the source, me!

-Are you accomplishing all that you want?
-Are you being honest when you look in the mirror?
-Are you being true to the people in your life?
-Are you being true to God?
-Are you happy being where you are if you died today?
-Are you ok with knowing that you are the one that controls your destiny?

I thought about all of these things and I thought to myself......... I like when I'm perfect and when I see myself not being perfect I withdraw. I used to think that everything around me was perfect and sooner than later those things would become imperfect. I had no trust in anything. Than I realized that it was about me. How could I turn everything in my life into something positive. Losing, winning, tying? How could I retrieve all of the honest, purest and most creative things out of life without being critical of all of those things. Every moment is an opportunity to
capture that moment. Even as I type these words I'm smiling. I'm changing and I love it. It's awesome!!!!

I used to withdraw when before something came imperfect. It saved heartache and pain.

The start of this year has been rather interesting. I've already started this year accomplishing goals as scheduled, but the most interesting thing
is that I'm still in the same place. I'm ready to get to the next level, but I'm having extreme difficulty. I wonder if it's my approach, or is that I'm
to anxious. Waiting til 50 to surface is not going to happen.

There are new additions to my life that I have to balance. Major additions that will require major adjustments. Is it possible to still be me while assuming new roles in my life? Most loose focus of self when they go through dramtic changes. I can't do that!

If you can be you can do.