Older today

I must be older today. I woke up older today. I had an ephipany of some sort. It was like whoa! Pump your breaks. Things are changing faster than you can control them.

You think you have things figured out and then you wake up to a new reality. I suppose things are supposed to be this way considering this is life and life is indeed unpredictable. But the funny thing is there is no answer. We've all tried our part in being involved with the world. Being an activist making a difference. We've tried to be family oriented. We've even tried love. By jeez, what is out there that sticks to you like glue. I'm beginning to think it's just experiences.
I mean everyone I know is either married by law, or married by their situation. Babies and houses, houses and more babies.

I thought at a certain point I would be vacationing with buddies, traveling with my women, or even sitting on top of the world mentally. Some how some way, I ran out of gas half way up the mountain. I'm quickly drifting down, and my forward momentum is not strong enough to move me up, or at least it seems that way. I must have took a wrong turn on "laid back street", and made that bad right turn on "it will be ok street". I didn't get the GPS.:)

It must have been when I was 25 when I realized that I had time. In reality you don't have time. Time is one thing that is ever changing, and if you think that time will work you out, you are so wrong. Life can be like a broken bone. It will heal itself, but at the same time even broken bones and pulled muscles need exercise and attention. There is a saying "If you think that time will change your ways, don't wait to long." If you wait you will be so behind the curve. It's almost equivalent to going on a diet 50 pounds to late. It just doesn't work well.

I try to be above my faults. I try to place myself on a plateau that allows me to forget what happened. It's healthy, but it also makes your reality unreal. The truth of the matter is is that you are going to get beaten up at times, and you will have rough patches, and it's ok to be how you are. It's ok to be said. It's ok to be angry with your results. The rest of the world will always be harder on you than you on yourself. Believe that. I'm very hard on myself, and I still find people that will crush my thoughts with the slightest look or word. It's not about self confidence. It's not about keeping your head up. It's about keeping things in perspective. It's about knowing the struggle and not wanting to go back there continously. The mountain may be slippery at times. Sometimes it may have moutain lions, but at the same time sometimes it will have moutain goats that will have you up the mountain. It's possible.

Where did my friends go? Where did my love go? Where did my youth go? It left when I always tried to be to mature. When I was trying to be 21 at 18 and 30 at 25. When I was trying to be big when I was small, and loud when I was really quite.
All the posing. All the living as someone that I wasn't when in reality the real me looked in the mirror every morning. Don't let the times escape you by getting caught in the middle of life. Life is like a hurricane, and it can destroy anything in it's path. If your not firmly planted you will be taken away in the hurricane.

The cool thing about life is if your still breathing and moving, you still have a fighting chance. Life is a state of mind not a physical place. Whether on lock down, or the King or Queen of a throne you can be where you want to be.

Keep yourself around supportive people. Get all negative people out of your life, and build your empire accordingly.

Yeah, I found myself older today. And I realized that I haven't even lived half of my life yet. (God Willing) Why be depressed when you can be free. Why be bitter when you can put sugar on that lemon. It's real, but it's our life. Life it to the fullest.

I woke up this morning

I woke up this morning thinking about many things. I don't understand why people fudge the truth to get by. Why do people lead each other on. At times we tend to hold on to people until we completely make up our minds about the person. Is that unfair? How come we're not able to make our decisions and stick to them, or if we change our minds go with that decision without stringing people along?

I wonder why most of us blame the reasons why we are not able to trust on others? I wonder why we constantly put ourselves in situations which permit us to trust, but we slowly damage the next relationship based off of factors that don't even exist anymore?

I woke up feeling all the pressures of making decisions. It's not that I'm worried about my decisions. I'm worried about how my decisions will affect others. Will my decisions push others away.

I was thinking about how the pressures of society bring clearity on how your dealing with your life. Most crack under pressure and do crazy things. Some push the close ones away. When I think about change I think about the seasons. Starting with the fall I see the year coming to an end. For me all things come together at once at the end of the year. I reflect on all of the decisions that I have made over the year. Briefly I pause on it, and then I say to myself "It's over, and you can't do nothing about it now." That makes me feel better.

Interacting with others has always been one of the most interesting things to me. How predictable some people are. How undpredictable some people are. How some people are interesting, and how others are interesting enough. How lies pour out of the skin, and people are such liers that they don't even know it. How some people are so deep that they don't even understand themselves.

How some people just don't work well with you, and others bond so well with you you can't even believe it to be true. How some people are slow thinkers, and others are fast on there feet. Wit is my favorite. I love wit, but I usually love watching wit more so than watching others use wit on me. It's rather annoying I must say.

I woke up this morning thinking that I'm getting older, and all my friends are disappearing. How I'm really not into creating new friends so I'm doomed. The older I get the less I have in common with most. I always thought that the older I get the more I would have in common with others.

It's crazy.

Caught in the middle

I stepped forward and you stepped back.
Once I noticed, I was stuck in the middle.

So stuck in the middle, so in between places.
I wanted to be where you are, but I only could be in the middle.

As I moved forward I noticed you drifting back suddenly.
My body language asked why, but you escaped without word.

I noticed in conversations that plans were definitely put on hold.
You were backing out, and I was caught in the middle. I was in this
place where the only thing I could do was wait. I wanted to be in the place
where all I had to do is move forward.

Conversations were less and words out of your mouth were less. Things
more directed at me to take off focus of you. It wasn't about us anymore
it was about you, and then it was about me. But definitely never about
us. It seemed like it could be so, but those words were always spoken so slow.

I challenge the actions, but never could get a soft answer. It was always so harsh, and always so empty. I was caught in the middle and the only thing I could do is begin to withdraw because it seems as if you already withdrew.

Focus

Focus on it and it will happen. Be it and you will soon live it. Do it and it will become you.

Cherish it and you will always have it. Embrace it and it will never let you go. Put it above and it will always obey your wishes.

Find it and you will never loose it. Muster through the hard times, and the great times will always be rewarding.

Recognize it and it will recongize you. Be kind to it and it will be kind to you.

Whatever you put into it it you will give right back. Never assume that something will sustain on it's on momentum. It just doesn't work that way. Always assume that less than 100% effort will implode.

Be more than faithful to it. Try extra hard too.

These words of wisdom can take you through life and love. Through the trials and tribulations of every instance of your life. Believe and you will succeed.

-One

I want you

I want you to want me. I want you to want me more than you have ever wanted anyone before. I want you to want me before you want to breath. That's breath taking isn't it?

I want you to love me. I want you to love me more than you loved any non-family member. I want to be the one 100% of the time. I want you to put me above. I want to be treated like royalty. Royalty that will never be stripped of the crown.

I want you to lust for me. I want the lust in your body to ooze out of you on to me. I want your body to be hot for me as if I was the sexiest person alive. I want my touch to give you chills, my lips to get you moist. I want hot flashes to take over your body just thinking about me.

I want you to work for me. Work for me like your working for yourself. Always do for me and think of me. Don't take me for granted because for granted I will not take.

Mentally I wanna see. I want you to plant a seed so deep in me that I won't forget you, not for one second. Make me always believe and never doubt.

Is it possible

"The reason why someone looks behind the door is for the simple fact that they have been behind that same door."

Can I walk beside someone that understands me? Someone that knows me or at least tries to get to know me no matter what and forever not just for know?

Is it possible to ask someone the same question over and over again over the course of a relationship, and they answer that question over and over again because they understand that you have been hurt before?

Is it possible for the one that you want to want you back? I get nervous about this because when you meet someone your generally not their first choice. I wonder if while your with them they are thinking of someone else, or wishing you were someone else. That would suck.

Is it possible to get over your past lover? Yes it is! Is it possible for your new lover to believe that you have gotten over your past lover?

Is it possible to believe in your new lover 100%. It's hard to love someone without the fear of getting hurt again. I don't believe I've been in love before. I believe that I've been suckered into a relationship with more lies than a federal prison. I feel that if I had new the truth I would have never been put in the situation. I guess we all can say that though.

Is it possible to look at your new lover and believe that that person believes in you without out a doubt. Why does there have to be a fail safe? Why does there have to be a what if? How come it just can't be. Why do they have to dip there toes in the water to see if it's cold, how come they just can't dive in? Either way there going to go in. You might as well go in all the way.

Is it possible for a woman that is in her thirties to not be bitter about life or men? Is it possible for an older woman to love that man she is with for who he is and not for what he can be or what he once was? I wonder. I'm tired of bitter women. I'm tired of women bringing yesterday in to today. I mean true, men have done wrong, but so have women.

Is it possible for a man in his thirties to not be a player? Is it possible for an older man to love a woman for who she is and what she has done in her life good or bad?

I believe these things are possible. I believe that there is someone out there that wants what I want. Believes what I believe and will work to get it. It's a shame that other things effect how we live tomorrow. It's a shame how we let our past ruin our future with others.

Sometimes I wish I had a clean memory everytime I met a knew person. Sometimes I'm glad I've seen it all. That makes for a better stronger healthier relationship. I think so.

How deep can things go? How much can one take. Like I said at the beginning, if you werent behind the door before you wouldn't know to look behind the door in the first place.

I think it is possible, but it sure is hard to do alone. Actually almost impossible.